Best Sleep Products of 2024: Tested by the Undead

We've risen from our crypts to test this year's most promising sleep products. Our review team includes zombies (for durability testing), vampires (for darkness requirements), and ghosts (for breathability). Here's what survived our trials.

Mattresses That Won't Leave You Feeling Dead

1. The Crypt Keeper 3000

Rating: 💀💀💀💀💀 (5/5 skulls)

This mattress is so comfortable, even the restless dead can get a good night's sleep.

Pros:

• Excellent motion isolation (won't wake your vampire roommate)
• Cool sleeping surface (perfect for the already-cold blooded)
• 365-night trial (that's a full year of haunting)

Cons:

• Expensive (but can you put a price on eternal rest?)
• Heavy (needed 3 zombies to move it)

2. GhostBed Luxe

Rating: 💀💀💀💀 (4/5 skulls)

Ironically named, actually great for the living.

Pros:

• Superior cooling technology
• Good for all sleep positions
• Doesn't make noise (stealth mode activated)

Cons:

• Not actually invisible
• Edge support could be better

Pillows for Perfect Corpse Pose

1. The Head Stone Memory Foam

Rating: 💀💀💀💀💀 (5/5 skulls)

Supports your head like a luxury coffin lining.

Features:

• Adjustable loft (remove or add filling)
• Cooling gel layer
• Hypoallergenic (even for sensitive zombies)

2. Vampire's Choice Down Alternative

Rating: 💀💀💀💀 (4/5 skulls)

No animals harmed, vampires approved.

Features:

• Ultra-soft feel
• Machine washable (blood stains come right out)
• Stays fluffy longer than your typical ghost

Sleep Tech from the Future (or Beyond)

1. The Death Tracker 5000

Rating: 💀💀💀💀💀 (5/5 skulls)

Monitors your sleep so precisely, it knows when you're just playing dead.

Tracks:

• Sleep stages (including REM, deep sleep, and undead sleep)
• Heart rate (or lack thereof)
• Breathing patterns
• Room temperature and humidity

App Features:

• Sleep score (0 = actually dead, 100 = sleeping like the dead)
• Smart alarm (wakes you during light sleep)
• Sleep coaching from AI Death

2. Coffin Comfort White Noise Machine

Rating: 💀💀💀💀 (4/5 skulls)

Sound Options:

• Gentle rain on gravestones
• Howling wind through crypts
• Distant thunder
• Ocean waves (River Styx edition)
• Creaking coffin ASMR

The Accessories Section

Blackout Curtains: Vampire Seal of Approval

Rating: 💀💀💀💀💀 (5/5 skulls)

These curtains block 100% of sunlight. Tested by actual vampires who didn't burst into flames.

Weighted Blanket: The Burial Shroud

Rating: 💀💀💀💀 (4/5 skulls)

Feels like being gently buried alive (in a good way). Available in 15, 20, and 25 pounds of comforting pressure.

Sleep Mask: The Blindfold of Eternity

Rating: 💀💀💀💀💀 (5/5 skulls)

Total darkness achieved. Side sleeper friendly. Doesn't mess up your zombie makeup.

The Budget Crypt Section

Not everyone has vampire money. Here are our picks for the financially deceased:

1. Zombie's Choice Foam Topper - $89

   • Revives dead mattresses
   • 2-inch memory foam
   • Decent for the price

2. Basic Black Eye Mask - $12

   • Does the job
   • Adjustable strap
   • Machine washable

3. DIY White Noise - Free

   • YouTube "10 hours of cemetery ambiance"
   • Spotify sleep playlists
   • A fan from 1987

The Bottom Line

Good sleep doesn't require selling your soul (unless you want to). Start with one quality item and build your sleep sanctuary from there. Remember: you spend 1/3 of your life in bed - make it count.

Disclaimer: No actual undead were harmed in the testing of these products. Results may vary for the living.

Sweet dreams, mortals! 💀